I Can't Believe its not butter
by Madame Malice
Summary: From A Movie To The Sea Of Japan. Watch Mitsuo Get The Better Hand Over Hasu.n.Mikuni All leading up to a top bottom spat. Will hasu choose to be the girl the world may never know.
1. I Can't believe it's not butter

Hi this is the fab author once again coming to you to say hello and invite you to read my story I hope you enjoy it.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own EQ. If i did the world would be inconspicuously smothered in chocolate but thats just my dream... here that its my sadness smashing on the blackboard that is my life "_SOB_

Chapter 1

I can't believe its not butter!

"I told you this movie was going to be good," whispered Mitsuo.

"Shhh... he is about to get his guts sucked out through the monsters straw like tung," muttered Ichi as the screams of the crowd echoed in the background.

"Ahhh...," screamed Mitsuo clutching Hasunuma's hand.

"Err... god please I need that for... stuff at home.

"No you don't thats what me and the pickled scallions are for," whispered Mitsuo. "Come on you two I wanna watch blood gush from that lady's vagina not here you two talk about... yours.

"We don't have vagina's we have...,"

"_Ahhh... no not my spleen I need that for things,_".

"_Not where its going, my stomach ha ha ha ha ha... SLUUUUURP,". _"AAHHHHH," screamed the crowd,".

After Movie.

"That has to hurt, having your spleen riped out like that," winced Mitsuo.

"I can't believe they used I can't believe its not butter thats stuffs narsty, butter substitute more like vomit conveniently placed in a small plastic jar," said Mikuni complaining childishly.

"Really whats next I can't believe its not sperm or I can't believe its not homicidal rape," added Hasunuma.

"The rape one, I think its possible as long as there are a sufficient amount of rapists in the world,". "Really all we need is more rapists,".

"It was a god damned rhetorical question," yelled Hasunuma.

"We know where just fucking with you, you make us giggle,".

"Ok I'll see you guys later i have to go pick up tampons for my mom i left her sitting on the toilet," Ichi said as he waved goodbye.

"I hope he gets smacked in the face with a blood drenched tampon perhaps he'll learn something," muttered Mikuni.

Back at the shrine Mikuni is heading out to go on an exorcism to exorcise a ghost that rattles window shakers.

"I can't believe you are getting payed 30 million yen to release a ghost that rattles window shakers, how scary," murmured Mitsuo in a cocky voice.

"Its a living," added Mikuni. "Hasunuma could you watch Kanau for me, I don't want him terrorizing tourists again you remember what happened last time,".

"Ok I'll be getting on my way **_smooch_**,".

"Oh come on stop kissing me I'm not a baby or your lover,".

"But your just so cute, and I'm like a father figure to you since your parents moved to Tokyo,".

"Ok, first I don't care and two never use the words father and cute in the same sentence again if you want to keep the things that make you a FATHER figure if you catch my drift," Mitsuo added in his cocky tone.

"OOWWW," said Mikuni like he was in pain.

"Leave you piss me off you have work too do,".

"Fine then I'll be on my way... **_SMOOCH,_**".

"Your so lucky I didn't catch you and don't expect to get in tonight I'm changing the locks,".

"I'll see you in ten minutes,".

"Where are you going," asked Hasunuma impatiently.

"I'm going to the store to get new doorknobs,".

"Your actually going to do what you said,".

"Hell ya see you in ten,". Walks over to Hasunuma and kisses him on the cheek.

"This will keep that son of a bitches urges at bay I hope he likes sleeping on the porch,".

"Mitsuo your so bad,".

"Well this bad boy just ensured that the house will be empty for the next at least eighteen hours, so ya know what that means,".

"Hell ya I do but who's gonna be on top,".

"Well me of course,"wined Hasunuma.

"Uh no its defiantly going to be me, without a thought I'm the best candidate," said Mitsuo in utter shock.

"Uh no how bout that,".

"Well fine you can sleep on the porch as well,".

"No but wait I...,". **_SLAM_** went the door.

"Lets see how he likes the porch or maybe the koi pond ha ha ha ha ha...," laughed Mitsuo evilly.

"Ok now I'm hungry maybe I'll bake some cookies this way I'll be able to annoy Hasu and fulfill my childhood dream of baking cookies at the same time. Yay,".

Mikuni san returns,

"Hasunuma, what are you doing out here come on inside, oh smells like Mitsuo is fulfilling his childhood dreams in the kitchen lets get some,".

"We can't he changed the locks he was mad at you for kissing him,", "That little peck I'm surprised he didn't thank me,".

"He doesn't like you that way retarded bastard,".

"No need to be rash Hasu. Its fine he has to let us in hopefully,". Hours went bye and the time now is seven pm.

"You had to piss him off didn't you Hasu. We would be eating one of Mitsuo's delicious dishes but no where at a fast food place, eating I can't believe its not vomit ewww," whined Mikuni in a writhing grimace.

"Your the one that had to push his buttons and make him angry... Idiot.

Morning,

"I can't believe we stayed in a hotel thats so low," Mikuni said adjusting his pants.

"I am never using a public bath again. Lets just get home maybe he unlocked the doors," whined Hasunuma.

"He probably didn't,".

"Shut up you god damned downer,"screamed Hasunuma. From behind the crowd Ichi waves to Hasu and Mikuni calling to them.

"HASU MIKUNIsan COME ON THIS WAY,".

"Yes look theres Ichi with the car lets get out of here and go yell at Mitsuo,".

"Sounds like a very good plan... HERE WE COME ICHI,". As Hasu, Mikuni, and Ichi headed back for the shrine Mitsuo was up to some scheming.

"Ok just set this charm here and bam they are going to in for a surprise. "I hope they like swimming this spell will ensure they do ha ha ha ha ha...,".

"Here we are finally,". "Ahhh,". **_POOF_**.

"What the hell... where are we," yelled Hasunuma.

"_The sea of Japan, _Great! lets start swimming, and walking, then ridding a bus to the temple in Tokyo,". After swimming, walking, and riding a bus they return to the temple Ichi still standing at the door.

"Hey how in the world did you get there and why are you all we...,".

"DON'T SAY A THING," screamed Hasu and Mikuni, "We don't want to talk about it,".

"Hi everybody how was the sea of Japan," Yelled Mitsuo at the soaked boys. They walked right passed him and went to get towels.

After hours of sneezing, crying, and eating lots the boys finally settled down enough to yell some at Mitsuo and ask him some serious questions.

"Where in the hell did you find a spell like that, that was incredible. Accept for the fact that we were sent to the sea of Japan," Mikuni yelled while checking his temperature in the bath,".

"I'm sorry about that I just kinda overheated a little with the kiss and all," said Mitsuo in a melancholy tone,".

"Thats not the point hon, you transported us miles away into a sea with sharks thats really loving,".

"Well then Hasu do you want me to warm you up a little, BUT I'm on top this time," whispered Mitsuo in a tone low enough that Mikuni couldn't here it.

"NO... ya know what. I don't care you can be on top this time ok," winced Hasunuma.

"Yay, Finally,".

END

Chapter 1.

This will be my first multi chapter story I hope you liked chapter 1

Love,

Catsie Meow.


	2. Why Can't I Have A Cookie

How exiting. Did you enjoy chapter 1, I hope you did I worked a long time on that draft and wanted it to make you laugh. I hope you enjoy chapter 2.Love,

Catsie Meow.

Chapter 2

Why Can't I Have A Cookie

"Holy crap did I just here what I thought I did Hasu is going to be on the BOTTOM,"screamed Mikuni.

"What," added Kanau.

"You joking bastard you never wanted to be on the bottom when we...,"said Ichi, "Uh oh,".

". . . what . . . what . . . W-H-A-T, you did what with Ichi. AHH---------HHHH," screamed Mitsuo.

_**B-A-M**_

"Ohmigawd is he okay," yelled Ichi.

"_Lets get him to the hospital quick...,"._

"_What happened doctor...,"._

"_We believe he had a mild stroke from a sudden surge of anger...,"._

_(Whimpers)..._

"_Don't worry Hasu he is going to be okay the doctor said he'll be back with his tests soon,"._

"_Ichi... you had to say that didn't you,"._

"_I jus...,"._

"_NO YOU DIDN'T JUST. You know how I feel about him and what happened in the past should stay in the past. Look what you did to him you put him in a coma,"._

"_I have the results of mister Shiozu... he may wake up but we are unsure at this time. All we can do is wait,"._

"_But he will live,"._

"_Yes he is perfectly fine. If he does wake up he will be numb for a day or so but should be fine after that... IF he wakes up,". _

"_Good...:._

One month later,

"Yaaaaaaaawn, where am I. I'm tired," wailed Mitsuo now awake from his month long sleep.

"ZzZzZzZ... huh what... ohmigayd Mitsuo your awake. HASU HE'S AWAKE,"screamed Ichi.

"_He is,_" runs into room, "Mitsuo your (whimper) awake. Thank god,"whimpered Hasunuma. Hasunuma then runs over and hugs Mitsuo tightly, tears running down the sides of his face.

"Ya just one question well a few. First, how long have I been sleeping. Second, what happened to me why was in a coma. Finally, can we get some food I'm starving," asked Mitsuo curiously.

"Okay you have been sleeping for a month, Ichi said something that made you so angry that the shock made you pass out and the hit on your head from the drop to the floor put you in a coma,and yes as soon as you can stand we will go get lunch in the cafeteria,"said Hasunuma with a smirk.

"Thank god I am craving something sweet maybe a cookie," added Mitsuo with a sigh.

"Uh no," hollard Hasunuma.

"Why can't I have a cookie, mean bastard,"yelled Mitsuo with an evil look in his eye.

"Your not allowed to have anything with that much sugar in it, it will make you sick," said Mikuni walking in from the other room with a bag.

"Nice... whats the bag for," asked Mitsuo.

"Its your clothes, well the clothes they will let you where,". Pulls out a robe and pajamas with the words "Queen Of Bitches" written on it in bold sparkling red print.

"You expect me to wear that, I am not the queen of bitches," said Mitsuo in a low,vapid tone.

"Where the hell have you been, you most certainly are the utter queen of bitches,"snapped Kanau laughing.

"Rrr you bitch," Mitsuo lunges at Kanau.

"Thats not a good Idea,"screamed Kanau.

"Ahhh," screamed Mitsuo falling to the floor.

"He must had had a memory laps, he forgot Kanau was a ghost," gasped Mikuni with an odd smirk.

"Just give me a GOD DAMNED COOKIE or.. or.. or I'll cut my wrists and become emo and die my hair black and cut off my dick then become a women rename myself pepper and join the circus that sucks out your dreams and makes you pay them money every week," screamed mitsuo.

"Wow that was odd,"shuttered Hasunuma.

"And I said it all in one breath that was hard _gasp...gasp... _you want me to die _gasp.. _don't you,".

"Your such a fucking drama queen Mitsuo, god you make that guy that went on opera to tell the world how much he loved this women, look strangely normal," muttered Hasunuma trying to keep his laughter at bay.

"Wow... okay then I'm leaving now so... bye,"yelled Ichi half way down the hall. Mikuni steps to Hasunuma and grasps his shoulder.

"I really think we should be going and let Mitsuo get his rest, we want him in tip top shape for...,".

"Okay, my mistake here are his real results,"proclaimed the doctor scrambling into the room.

"And you mean... what by real results,"muttered Mitsuo.

"Well it turns out that the results i gave u where for next door the cancer patient, you can leave whenever you want your fine and dandy Mandy," smiled the doctor gleefully.

"Mandy who...," asked Mitsuo enraged.

"It's a figure of speech sir i just meant,".

"Not that slut Mandy Moore she is so nasty with her hair and nasty teeth,ewww," wined Mitsuo snapping his fingers.

"Oh my i guess that bump to the head was a little more severe than first predicted," said the doctor to the room full of people.

"Shut up hoe... all Hitler... that is not my job... oh Ashley i don't know nothing' 'bout raisin no babes... oops i did it again... Give me a cookie and a yo yo.. Yes Mister governor i would love a cookie ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... I'm gonna sew you for sexual harassments_reaches over and grabs the doctors hand and rubs it on his chest _stop it i don't like you that way...,"screamed Mitsuo laughing wildly.

"I know whats going on he is transmitting things through ghosts for us to hear,"says Mikuni.

IN A DEEP LOW TONE

"Took you long enough, i am a spirit who terrorizes mediums I take control of there bodies and people speak through me what you just heard was many ghosts saying something nearly at the same time I am so smart.And with that it takes so much energy to hold all the ghosts that they become fatigued to the point that they will perish _Muhahahahahahahahaha...,_"laughed the evil ghost. My name is Naminé the evil witch of memories,".

"Well miss", Mikuni raises his hand, "I will have to ask you to leave," he throws a sutra at Mitsuo's possessed body.

"Honey I am 1000 years old i think i can handle a sutra, ha ha what a laugh,"raises a hand and swipes the sutra away,".

"Wait... where is Mitsuo's spirit then,"asks Kanau inquisitively.

"He lies dormant deep within his own body in a place called the dream realm, I can't touch him there so he is safe but... what... ahhh," Naminé screams.

"_Guys help me its Mitsuo use a sutra blessed by the cat god,_" yells Mitsuo from deep inside the body.

"Ahh.. excuse me, well you will never save your friend.

END

Chapter 2 is complete i hope you enjoyed it

love,

Catsie Meow


	3. Necotama and Namine, Good vs Evil

Here is the third saga of the wonderful Hasunuma. Will he save his love form the evil Naminė

Read on to find out some stuff about it.

Nekotama

&

Naminė

Good vs. Evil

"You will never save your friend ha ha ha ha ha," laughed Naminė.

"Hasu what are we going to do, we have to save Mitsuo," screamed Kanau.

_Meow is heard in the background along with the snap of fingers_

"Cat teliport,"

"What the... ahhh...," screams all preasent.

_All goes black and people wake up in an odd shrine _

"Ha ha took you guys long enough to wake up i swear i thought is was gonna die of old age but on the other hand i am older than time itself ha ha i crack myself up," Giggles a mysterious person.

"Huh.. what happened i feel so tired," Hasunuma says in a low tone.

"why your at Nekosakura shrine and i am Nekotama cherry blossom cat god Call me Kitty,"ha says in a happy tone.

"Your the cat god wow i thought it would be an old wise shaman but a young boy?".

"Hay i am old enough i just take this form its a better way to meet guys," screamed Kitty.

"Your gay... how did i know,". Chuckled Mikuni.

"Err... I hope u know i saved your life ok and by the way the only way to evict Naminė from his body is with a sutra painted and sealed by me with my special golden kiss," Added Kitty with a snap of the neck.

"What do you mean by your golden kiss, your not wearing any lipstick," Kanau replied.

"Umm duh i know that its just when i kiss something power from my body surges into it so.. like umm.. ah this," he picks up a wilted rose and kisses the stem, "See," the kiss print glows and before there eyes the rose is lush and full again, "That rose is guaranteed to stay alive for another 10 years no matter the weather," Kitty said with a big smile.

_All people look blankly with awe _

"You see I was born a LONG time ago and i was one of three cats, My brother the inverted tiger and my sister the thorn jaguar, i was born as the infamous white panther daemon but my magic of cherry blossoms and the magic of this kingdom rod," pulls out a long staff with a heart on the top and a weird key on the bottom, " This combo of magic inverted me to become the pink panther witch is why i wear the beautiful pink panther diamond around my neck," he added pointing to the chocker around his neck.

"Okay so what is this shrine we are at," Mitsuo quarried still in awe at the rose.

"Ah this is Necosakura shrine this place is sacred to cats and full of spiritual energy all cats come here because cats ,when here, can talk in the tung of man," Kitty proclaimed as he walked and got a piece of parchment from a table he then wrote on it with his long tail, "Here we are and just one finale touch," he then kisses the parchment and rolled it and tied it with pink ribbon, " Here burn this and it will turn into a ball of energy then through it at mitsuo it will eject Naminė from within his body then open this bottle," pulls a bottle out of his pocket, " It will suck her in, when you do just close it and call my name Kitty and i will take it from there,".

"Well how are we going to get back to our world," Hasu harped impatiently.

"Your all ready there...," Kitty snaps and the gang appears outside the morphed hospital.

"What the hell happened here," awed Hasu, "It looks like a bomb of mutated evil exploded, formed a monster, plunged this side of town into chaos, Had some tea, then left satisfied,".

"Do you have to make everything so lengthy your like Mojo-jojo," flaunted Kanau.

"Dat monkey ain't got nuttin on me _Snap-Snap-Snap_," hissed Hasu.

"stop your quibbling, we have to save Mitsuo if its the last thing we , well you do because, I'm not goin' in there,"added Mikuni with a smirk

"Ya know what hasu is the one that did him he should go...," the group became silent as Kanau's words rang out through the baron street.

"Ohmigawd, fine I'll go since i am the only one that actually cares about Mitsuo," Hasu's word cut like a hot knife to the others egos. "I do love him, there i said it so shut the hell upand move your toned and ghostly asses into that freaky place,".

With Hasu's words still toning in there ears they paraded into the ghostly hospital. They where to come to find out that Kitty and Naminé where already in an all out brawl.

"I can't believe you are back Naminé, I know you hated the realm of darkness but its your home so its where you belong," Kitty screamed as he thrusted the kingdom rod at the body of what was Mitsuo.

"Kitty why must you always medal in my affairs. I am so close a few more bits of info and i will be able to make them forget there ever was a mitsuo and then ill move on and make him feel like an outsider like i feel.

"Thats Not gonna happen,". A birst of light rained as Hasu screamed in terror, and the scroll caught fire, "Your going back where you belong", asudden scream and the spirit of a girl ,no older than fourteen, came shooting out of Mitsuo and into the bottle.

"No... NOOOOOO i will not go back to the darkness i can't," Naminé cried as Kitty snached the bottle from Hasu.

"I'm so sorry Naminé but its where you belong," his words echoed as the bottle lifted and slowly disappeared into radiant darkness. "I hope you all know this will NOT be the last time you see Naminé she has been known to reappear,".

"Yo... Helloooo, is no one going to ask if i'm ok," before he could get out his final words a herd of people came rushing at him and the deformed hospital began to change back.

"Thank god your ok mitsuo,"tears ran down hasu's face.

"Not for long love he is marked, Naminé knows to come looking for you when she returns but the rest is to be continued," his words faded into radiant darkness...

END

Well this is the end of my first story hope you liked it

love

Catsie Meow


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